Letter to My Father

Still 30 mins to midnight, and i come to realize that I never forgot about you, dad you live with me constantly, I share with you things and I am ashamed of some of them , as I know how you think.

I am truly hurt by your death, I suffer even more and my heart is now coming to an end as I am no longer able to love, or to bear any emotional carriage. i was thinking that if I grew older it will be easy to keep your memory within me without any sufferance, It turned out to be a life time long misery that I will be carrying.

You see, I am not blaming you for leaving, I am just pouring my heart to your shadow, you know I can’t do it with mom as she would feel hopeless because she can’t help in this heart dilemma. She actually loves us and does everything she can for us, yet all these efforts killed her heart and suppressed her sympathy and so I wouldn’t dare to share these things with her.

I want you to know that I am incomplete without you, I long to you and my love for you has shattered me to pieces, after you, life killed every bit of my sensitivity, innocence and soul. I was seeking something about you in everyone I meet, but this only invested in a huge disappointment afterwards. I learned now my lessons the hard way and came back to where I was before; suffering soul, aching heart with a hollow dull face all in a condensed dark surrounding.

You are gone now for 20 years ago, such a long time, but sometimes I have this feeling, as if you are just away and I will see you again, silly of me I know, yet this is only a way, myself uses against me to prove that I don’t accept your leaving, at all! 20 years of hell endurance, tormenting soul refuses to let go, torture seems to be the medicine that will never make any good to my everlasting state of discomfort and agony.

I don’t even see you in my dreams anymore, as if you are punishing me for not letting go!Why you are taking away every minute details of you?

Originally published at https://fatidesu.blogspot.com on May 25, 2020.